How My Creativity – and Crystals – Led Me to Face My Fears

When I first began writing this piece I did not expect it to become this deep and meaningful dive into how to deal with fear. I set out wanting to share with you guys how my creativity in the last few weeks has shed light on to some fear and self doubt and then share the guidance the crystals had on the matter. The crystals had other plans however, and what I thought was going to be simple and light has been revealed to be much more meaningful than I could have ever imagined. With that being said, I am going to start at the beginning and share with you exactly how this experience shifted beyond my expectations.

In the past few weeks I have become addicted to making hemp bracelets. I have been creating and creating and creating all of the time. I am so in love with this feeling of creativity as it is so uplifting and expansive but this much creativity has left me with a mountain of bracelets. My intent has always been to share them with the world through an Etsy shop but I have found taking that step harder than I originally expected it to be. As I go through the process of listing all of my creations – a daunting feat considering the number of them – my desire to create just keeps getting stronger and stronger. The more I create the more I learn and the more my pieces express my growth.

This growth then makes me insecure about sharing my earlier creations. I wonder if I should even post them. What if people don’t like them? My ego has begun supplying me with a number of reasons why should not share my work, most of which circle back to me feeling like they aren’t perfect. I was afraid of pieces being received as sub-par in comparison to some of my others.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this fear went much deeper than just self-doubt. It was a deeper feeling that I knew had been there for a while and was holding me back from being my true self and stepping into what I am meant to  be doing.

It is a fear of being seen.

I am super confident behind a keyboard and in my writing and I think that is because I don’t have to experience first hand someone’s reaction to what I am saying. When I talk to someone in person or even put myself out there on social media in a more active way I am opening myself up to judgment and criticism. Now, I have been stepping out of my comfort zone in the last month and a half and have become more visible by posting more on social media and starting a video series on my Facebook page but I have still been struggling with reaching out to people personally.

When I talk to someone personally, more so in person than through text or email, my nerves and fear of judgement and criticism get the better of me and I lose my voice. I then feel like I am not representing myself well and I get frustrated with myself. After the fact I ask a lot of what if questions and dig a pretty deep hole of self-doubt for myself. So I find myself avoiding this type of interaction.

Thus, my creativity in the last couple of weeks has allowed me some reprieve from this fear, but now, as I start listing y work and stepping out into the open it is coming up again. Now, in order to move forward I had to do some work around this. Immediately after I made the decision to work with this fear my large Herkimer diamond came to mind to support me and as I prepared to sit and do the work my apophylite and stilbite combination also jumped out to help me.

IMG_20180316_095928
My large Herkimer diamond (left) and the apophylite/stilbite (right).

Both of these stone felt super high vibrational from the moment I picked them up and were more than ready to dive into the work. I got the sense that the Herkimer diamond was going to be speaking to my fear and that the apophylite/stilbite was going to speak to my creativity. I felt that both of the stone together were going to clear unwanted and unhelpful patterns from my energetic body. Before I had even picked them up to meditate I could feel the shift in my body. The stones had a lot more to say than I was expecting and not just about what I was going through, but about fear in general. Herkimer diamond started things off with this lecture:

“Your fear comes from a place deep inside you left mostly unexplored. Your mind skates over it in favor of more bright and shining places but it still lingers, silently weighing you down. 

When you give your fears a voice, when you let them express themselves two things can happen. 1) The fear can be released or 2) the fear can consume you. 

Despite how it might feel, you have control over both outcomes. This control comes from how you choose to receive your fear and is tied deeply to the stage you are at in your life. Your environment and outside influences can affect how you receive your fear. If you seek your fear before you have fully identified it you will find yourself surprised by it and slipping into option two. 

If you have steadily observed it, making note of when and where it appears in your life you are more likely to experience option one. 

This is not to say that one option is right and one option is wrong. You can learn a lot facing a fear before it is ready to be released. You  can gain insight into the birth of the fear, its growth and development through your current life or the lives of your ancestors. 

Each time you face the fear you learn more and more about it and the more you learn about it the less it consumes and controls you. The more you seek to understand it, the more it transforms from fear into motivation. You embrace it. It becomes a part of you and you find that you eventually end up at option one.”

Apophylite/stilbite jumped in right where the herkimer left off:

“When that fear is integrated you are given a direct line to your soul. Those moments after you have fully accepted a piece of yourself for exactly what it was are the pinnacle of peace. Bask in that energy, allow it to fully penetrate every cell in your body. Let it bring you visions of your future and of your past. Feel what it means to truly love yourself. Pay attention to your dreams and the people you attract into your life. Observe how accepting a piece of yourself has shifted your reality.”

For minutes after these messages came through I just sat and basked in the energy of these crystals. I held the apophylite/stilbite to my heart and felt shivers through my body as I thought about my fears. I felt the clarity of these crystals clearing the energy from my body. I do not believe that these fears are fully released and integrated but I do feel lighter and brighter and more joyful moving forward.

I also caught a glimpse of some other fears.

The key for me will be not to get discouraged by the appearance of more fears. It only means that I am growing, that I am moving through the lessons that my soul has to learn. This shift doesn’t happen overnight and I urge those of you that are facing your fears realize that it is okay to slip. It is okay to step back and take time to gather yourself.

That being said, I would highly recommend using crystals to help support you in this work. Even if you don’t have access to herkimer diamond or apophylite/stilbite I urge you to sit down with the stones that you do have and let them help you. Choose one stone to support you in facing your fears and another to help you sit in the vibration afterword. Remember that there is no right or wrong to this. Choose the stones that draw you to them.

Remember also that this is not necessarily a “one and done” exercise. I most definitely need to spend some more time sitting with this exercise and working through what presents itself to me. Take the time it takes. It’s about the journey.

As always, I would love to hear about any experiences you have in your own work with crystals and fear. The more I work with crystals the more I realized that they are so much more than just tools to be used. They are our guides through this work, sharing their energy to shift us into a better state of being. I am forever grateful to them for sharing their gifts with me and in turn allowing me to share them with you!

Namaste to you all! Until next time!

Emily

Embracing Forgiveness Through Stillness

This whole adventure started when I sat down and selected stones to support me in my weekly intentions. This particular week I had decided to work on something that had really been nagging at me: forgiveness. In the last few weeks of February I began to notice that there were a number of instances where I had been reminded of past events that had hurt me. I realized that I still had a lot of unresolved emotion around these events and the people involved and became aware that holding on to these emotions was holding me back from moving forward. I decided that I needed to do some more focused work with forgiving myself and others and what better way to do this than with crystals!

Funnily enough, the night before I chose the stones I was guided a forgiveness ritual as I was journaling before heading to bed for the night (Stay tuned this comes into play for you later ;p) . It just made perfect sense at that moment that forgiveness was going to be what I was working on for the week. Anyway, the stone that jumped out as my guide in this work was a small zoisite heart that I have had for a very long time. Despite having it for so long I had never worked with this stone as extensively as I have in the past week and a half.

IMG_20180307_225611

It immediately struck me as significant that this stone was both green and shaped like a heart as I knew intuitively that this forgiveness work was going to be completely heart centered. However, when I sat down and tried to connect into the stone I wasn’t getting any messages. Through a lot of trial and error I have learned not to jump to the conclusion that this means I will not be able to do the work I want to do. Instead, I start asking myself or the stone questions become aware of any impressions I get or thoughts that pop into my mind. In this case, when I paused to ask questions another stone popped into my head that had also been catching my eye a lot in recent days: a heart shaped golden sheen obsidian. It struck me immediately once again that this stone was heart shaped.

IMG_20180307_230013

This time, when I sat down to meditate with zoisite in my left hand and obsidian in my right, the information just started flowing.

I knew immediately that this was going to be a writing experience. I knew that the only way I was going to be able to convey the significance of this work was to provide all of you with a detailed account of my own personal experience. Next came images of landscapes – grassy plains, mountains, open sky. All of them were empty. All were still and quiet. I just sat and basked in this stillness finding it refreshing and incredibly peaceful. It is at this point that the true name of this experience was revealed to me: “Embracing Forgiveness through Stillness”. The longer I sat however, the more I felt like something needed to be drawn out from behind my heart in order to access the feelings I needed to do the ritual that I had thought up the night before. To help pull these feelings out I held the obsidian to my heart for a few minutes.

I started to feel very raw and a little shaky – like a shift had been made energetically.

I was then guided the image of a crystal grid in a lemiscate or figure eight/infinity pattern. I saw the energy flowing slowly in this grid and through me as I held the two stones in opposite hands resting on my knees and heard these words:

“You have to draw up the feelings from a place of objectivity or you are merely adding fuel to the fire.”

In other words, in order to release the negative feelings you have towards a person or event you have to draw them up with out becoming immersed in them. You have to be able to look at the experience from the outside to truly identify and name what you are releasing and forgiving in yourself or others. At this point, my brain nearly imploding from all the insight, I brought myself out of the meditation and set about building the grid pictured below. I yawned a lot as I did this which, for me, has always been a sign that I am releasing something or have experienced a significant energetic shift.

IMG_20180226_095911
“Embracing Forgiveness through Stillness” – made up of zoisite, golden sheen obsidian, small hematite tumbles, clear quartz points, and a tourmalated quartz center stone.

It wasn’t over yet. My second session with these stones was much more intense than the first. This session took place in the evening and as I flitted around my room preparing to do this work I kept getting this urge to do this session without any clothes on. At first I dismissed it, but the more preparation I did the stronger the feeling got and I realized that this clearly was going to be a part of the work I was doing that night.

When I sat down, the room lit by candles, the only thing in contact with my body was the floor and the stones. I removed everything that was not a part of me, including my glasses and the hair tie holding back my hair. I had to be completely and totally myself. When I closed my eyes to begin I fell immediately into this sense of stillness and heard these words:

“I sit here, stripped bare, ready to open my heart to true forgiveness. By baring my body, I bare my soul.”

After this, triangles became a very prominent theme. I saw them in my minds eye and when I opened my eyes on occasion I noticed that I was sitting in front of a triangular grid that I had made in previous weeks and that the  candles I had lit were also arranged in a triangular shape.

I was also guided the image of a “mind, body, spirit” triangle where the mind and the body made up the base and spirit was represented at the point. I got the impression that this image was meant to communicate the importance of building a strong foundation by taking care of your mind and body so that you may better communicate with your more spiritual aspects. This made sense to me as triangles are one the strongest shape.

Looking back I think this concept is why I also felt called to perform a lymphatic drainage massage on my face and clear out my K27 meridian points which are located just below your collar bones on both the left and the right side of your body. I think I was preparing my body for deeper work.

Following this pattern,  work on my mind came next. During this work on my body I felt very empowered and sensual. When I finished the lymphatic massage, I realized that I was really resisting this feeling of sensuality. The more I opened myself up the this feeling the more the true purpose of this night’s work was revealed. This session was all about forgiving myself for the way I have shamed my physical body and letting go of that shame by expressing my sexuality and celebrating my body.

The longer I sat there holding the stones and breathing into this feeling of empowerment and sensuality the more I could feel the energy building in my sacral and heart chakras. I was basking in the joy of accepting my physical body and letting go of shame.

I also kept seeing images of indigenous people and observing how unashamed they were to show their physical bodies. The stones closed this experience with the following message.

“True freedom is knowing you can be completely yourself, uninfluenced by the thoughts of those around you. Freedom is not outside of one’s self. Freedom is found within when one can look at themselves and say ‘I love you’.”

The morning after this work I was still feeling very light and happy and open. Everything felt still, content, and serene. I was amazed at the insights I was gaining through this work. Little did I know that the best was yet to come.

I went into my third session feeling, tired, on edge, and easily irritated. I wasn’t exactly sure why but I had been feeling this way for the majority of the day. Because of this I immediately felt drawn to ground myself through my Earth Star chakra (This chakra is located about six inches below your feet and is highly attuned to the energy of Mother Earth). When I closed my eyes, I felt like I was seconds away from falling asleep where I was sitting. In my mind’s eye I could see the lemiscate shape of the grid and feel the energy moving through it. At first the energy was racing around, but the longer I sat there the more I realized that I could control the flow of the energy and got the impression that the illusion of  feeling out of control is what made me anxious and frustrated.

I could also feel a tightness in my heart chakra and got the message, “What are you holding on to?” I tried to let go of the tightness and this helped some but I found that without truly identifying and putting a name to what it was I was holding on to I could not fully let go of it.

When I paused to record this information an experience immediately popped into my mind that could be related to all the emotions I had been feeling that day. Two and a half years ago I went out to Iowa with the intention of going to chiropractic school. When I arrived out there I received my first ever energetic two-by-four to the side of the head that knocked me clean off what I perceived to be the path leading to the rest of my life. I won’t go into the details here as it is a long story (you can read it here if you want all the gory details). Needless to say it was a highly emotional experience that had me returning home less than a week after arriving.

As I sat writing, I realized that the tightness I was feeling in my heart was the fear that something like this event would happen to me again. I desperately want to make sure that I am living out my true purpose. I love doing so many different things that I often confuse myself and manufacture my own anxiety by trying to make myself choose between them. This experience was making me aware that I need to learn to identify the difference between feeling uncomfortable because I am growing and changing and feeling uncomfortable because I am not being myself.

Now that I had given a name to the feeling I felt that I was finally ready to truly let go of it and let me just say that it was one of the most powerful experiences I have had working with crystals. When I picked up the zoisite and obsidian from the grid I immediately felt a lot of energy move up and down my spine making me shiver and be unable to sit still. I breathed through this until I became acclimated to the energy. Then I began to speak.

Out loud I began to name all of the feelings that I was letting go of around this. Among them was the fear of it happening again and the blame I had been placing on myself for allowing it to happen in the first place. This led to a huge emotional release where I finally felt all of the emotions I had buried. To put it simply I started balling which is something that is completely out of the norm for me.

I also remember specifying to myself that letting go does not mean forgetting, it just means that you are no longer letting those past thoughts, events, people, or feelings to affect you. They will always be a part of who you are but they no longer have control.

After this releasing phase I began to vocalize all of the things all of the things that I was accepting. Funnily enough I cannot remember many of these.

As I approached the end of this night’s work, I expressed the fear that I would still feel all of these feelings after this experience. In response I received the message “there are no quick fixes” and got the impression that not all of my problems were going to be solved in one night. I am on a journey of never ending self improvement and that means that I will forever be learning and growing from my experiences.

This experience was so profound for me that I couldn’t help but share it with you. This grid is one of the strongest I have ever built and by no means do I feel like I am done working with it. Embracing Forgiveness through Stillness has become my intention for the month of March and this grid will be set up for the duration of this month – if not longer. I invite you to take a few minutes and sit in its energy and let it guide you in your own healing experience. In these three sessions this grid has revealed to me three aspects of my being that I was not aware were having such a profound effect on my life.

That being said, I want share with you all the forgiveness ritual that that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. In this video I guide you through your own healing work with a stone of your choice or with this grid. I hope that helps you identify and release what is holding you back. I would love to hear about your experience!

Namaste to you all.