This past week has been the hardest so far in this whole process of change that I have been experiencing. Last week, I took the step that I would label as the “event” in this particular process or cycle that I am working my way through: I moved Scout to his new temporary home.
As of the time of my last blog post thought I was very well prepared for this and on some level I was. What I was not prepared for was how my ego was going to respond to it. For those of you who are unfamiliar, when I talk about the ego I am talking about that little voice in the back of your mind that tells you you can’t do something, or that you aren’t good enough. In preparation for this post I also found this more Psychoanalytical definition: “the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.”
When the day of the move came I was experiencing a lot of anticipation which is natural for me. Whenever I have moved Scout in the past I always experience some tension and stress the day of the move so I wasn’t worried about it. I packed everything up, loaded him on the trailer and we were on our way.
When we reached our destination, however, the level of tension and nervousness I was feeling ratcheted up to a level way beyond what I ever expected. My stomach was in knots and my whole body was tense. I could barely focus and I would occasionally feel dizzy. Meanwhile, I am trying to hold myself together because there are a lot of unfamiliar people around. This I am sure didn’t help the situation.
I really couldn’t get a read on why I was feeling the way I was feeling. All I knew was that the last time I experienced emotions that were this strong was in when I was in Iowa and was going through the process of discovering that that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I eventually realized that this was all about me, and not about Scout, because he had settled in and was acting completely like himself.
When I went home later that night I was able to calm myself down and felt better. When I woke up the next day though I worked myself back up into this tense and worried mess. At first I couldn’t tell if I was just sick or if I was just having a fear reaction like the night before. I spent most of the day feeling dizzy with my stomach in knots. It came in waves and I kept getting the feeling that I wanted to get out and move. I manage to get from where I was pet sitting to home and while there I realized that I was having another fear response.
I reached out to Michele and she told me that I was just feeling the shift and that if I could step forward and feel it rather than freeze that I would break through it. She told me that this was my ego sabotaging me into questioning my choices. She encouraged me to use my crystals – which I had immediately gravitated towards – and also recommended a couple of essential oils.
Funnily enough I had already looked up and found two essential oil blends to help me through what I was almost certain was a panic attack. Looking back these two oils – doTERRA Balance and Peace – were what really allowed me to cut through that fear that was running rampant through me and allow myself to truly feel and assess what was going on. I was able to continue with what I needed to get done that day and then felt calm and settled enough to go over and see Scout.
On the drive over I was reminded of my strategy of being present in change and just tried to stay really focused on what was going on in that moment and not get sucked into the cyclical negative and fear based thoughts that were making me so stressed out and panicky. You see most of what was making me so anxious that day was fear and anxiety about how I had responded the night before and worrying whether I would respond that way again, and what it would mean if I responded that way and on and on and on.
Throughout that whole day the one thing that kept me from going completely off the rails was the fact that Scout was fine. When I had left the night before he was eating and he was chill and he was not acting at all like he had any worries in the world.
He was the same when I arrived there. He was just hanging out in the paddock. I didn’t have any overwhelming negative response and I took him out and played with him. I left feeling much more relaxed.
Everyday since I have continued to work through these feeling of tenseness and anxiety that is my ego trying to make me feel about my decision and this change. I have continued to use the oils to cut through the physical and chemical aspect of the anxiety and my stones to support the energetic aspect. I have spent some time identifying the strategies my ego uses to manipulate me. Here are a few examples:
- It presents me with A LOT of “what ifs . . .?” i.e “What if you are feeling this way because this is not where you are suppose to be?” “What if something really is wrong?”
- My ego tries to tell me that I don’t want to do things that I love doing. i.e. working with crystals or even playing with my horse (I always know my ego is acting up here because there is no way I will ever want to stop working with horses)
- my body reacts like it is in fight or flight situation. My ego jumps on top of any stress that I may be feeling and takes advantage of it by supplying “what ifs”
Another key indicator for me that this was all ego based when I look back at this experience was the lack of a sense of why I was feeling the way I was. There was no true “gut feeling” or guidance that I could identify. It all circled back to fear of what I was feeling not what was actually happening.
Perhaps the hardest part for me throughout the past week was feeling like I couldn’t trust myself because of the thoughts that my ego was putting in my head. I want to share with you all a quote that I found very helpful in the past few days by Wayne Dyer who talks a lot about the ego and how you can learn to manage it.
“Do not abandon trust when your ego thinks things should be different then they are.”
I feel think this quote just hits home completely for what I am going through in this moment. This whole experience has been about trust from the very beginning, starting with the message that my fabulous horse gave to me.
In the past week I have once again learned so much about myself and how I progress and grow. I want to share with you all the strategies that I have found help me to best keep my ego from consuming my thoughts:
- Using doTERRA’s Balance and Peace essential oil blends on my pulse points as frequently as needed.
- Two drops of doTERRA Copaiba essential oil taken internally with water.
- Stones – Serpentene, black tourmaline, lepidolite, and citrine.
- Getting out and moving – this keeps me from freezing in place and becoming overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings. It also helps me to release the physical tension or unsettled feeling that I get.
If you look back at the definition of ego that I provided earlier you will see that it mentions something called “reality testing”. This resonates very strongly with me for what is going on for me in this moment in time. My ego is testing my reality by trying to sabotage the choices that I am making. If you find that that resonates with you as well I urge you to make the effort to identify how your ego operates and develop strategies to help you to overcome it. It is amazing the amount of good we can do for ourselves if only we have the desire and the strategies to do so.
As always I hope that my story helps you along on your own journey and if you have any questions or comments I would love to hear from you!