Hello again everyone! First off I want to thank everyone who is reading this. I am extremely grateful for your support and time. As you might have guessed from the title I have been working with gratitude recently and in keeping with that it was important for me to let you all know how much I appreciate you. The concept for this post actually came to me back in February but I never really sat down and explored what it meant. Well it has come back to me, as it usually does, in a form that is ever expanding and shifting. Just when I sat down to write this my understanding of the situation grew. Anyway, let me start at the beginning so that you have a better understanding of what I am starting to ramble about.
As you may have noticed, I have been rather absent for the last couple of months. I got really busy pet sitting in April and May and got really disconnected from my crystal work in all the shuffling and moving around. I stopped working on myself consistently and fell out of the rhythm of things.
Naturally the universe had other plans. Cue the wake up call. Remember earlier when I said I never really sat down to work on this concept? Well, when I continuously ignore something the universe tends to throw hard curve balls at me to knock me on my butt and get me to pay attention. This time it was literal.
I was leaving one of my pet sitting clients houses to go and meet another client about walking her dogs the next week and I took a bad step down onto the walkway. One terrifying crunching noise later I am on my back on the ground with my feet in the air, my ankle throbbing and the phrase “F@#$ I just broke my ankle and I am alone.” running through my head. I could feel myself starting to panic and I was quick to put a damper on it so I could assess myself. I first asked myself if I could move it: yes. Can you put weight on it? Yes. Can you walk on it? Yes. All of it hurt some and I could see my ankle swelling but I was reassured that I didn’t need to call an ambulance. I got to my car immediately put some doTERRA Deep Blue essential oil on my ankle and took some arnica homeopathics.
This is when I started to cry. I am not typically one to cry when I get hurt but I was sobbing. I kept hearing the crunching noise in my head and, while the fact I could walk on the ankle reassured me some, I knew that I still had done some serious damage. All I could think about was how, if I had just seriously injured myself, I wasn’t going to be able to work. I felt guilty about the possibility not being able to do what my clients needed me to do. Then I started feeling guilty about how my parents would need to support me because I couldn’t do what I needed to do. The shock of the incident brought all of these feelings to the surface and it was really very intense.
By the end of the day I couldn’t walk on the ankle. My parents had to help me walk the dog I was taking care of and I still struggled with the guilt that they had to do this. When I started to asses why this may have happened to me now, I became more aware of how I have been struggling with these feelings of guilt for longer than I thought – probably since February when this idea of shifting from guilt to gratitude first came to me.
Naturally, as I was laid up, I had the opportunity to explore this concept and these feelings and experiences. One of the first things I realized was that this was a clear sign that I needed to slow down as I literally couldn’t move around the next day. I didn’t realize how much I had come to rely of moving and doing and go go go until I couldn’t easily get around on my own. The second thing was that I really needed to take the time to take care of myself and I needed to accept that it was okay to do that. It didn’t make me selfish if I had to call my clients and say I couldn’t walk their dog because I had sprained my ankle. Third, It was okay to ask for and accept help from others and just be grateful.
It was after this realization that I shifted my focus to gratitude. I realized that I have difficulty expressing gratitude because on a deeper level I feel ashamed for having needed to ask for help in the first place.
This is not a new thing. I have always had issues asking other people for things, even something as simple as going up to a sales associate in a department store and asking if they had more sizes. I have gotten better over the years but when push comes to shove I would still rather not have to ask. What I needed was never important enough, or at least that is what I told myself.
This is when I knew that I was just barely brushing the surface with my exploration of guilt and gratitude.
The real issue for me is around self worth. Again this is not something that is coming out of left field for me. In the back of my mind I am always aware that I am not confident in myself and my abilities. I get embarrassed when I get praised because I don’t feel like what I did was enough.
This whole experience has made me realize that it is really time to sit down and do this deeper work. This is the piece that is holding me back from who I truly want to be.
My intentions for this week were to focus on thinking more positively and communicating what I want. When I sat down to meditate with the blue kyanite that wanted to help me this week, gratitude came back up for me. The stone let me know that focusing on communicating my gratitude will help me open up my throat chakra, which is by far my weakest energy center.
So far I have found that just focusing on communicating more effectively has already done a lot as far as my confidence is concerned. I feel better about myself when I realize that saying “no” or making a decision not to do something with someone doesn’t mean that they are going to hate me. It’s not going to negatively affect my relationships if I take the time I need to take care of myself. If it does then clearly that isn’t a relationship worth having right? Definitely not.
Anyway, I still have a lot of work to do in the self-worth department but I feel like I am off to a very good start. I plan to sit down and investigate that more specifically and – of course – see what my lovely crystal guides have to say about the whole scenario.